He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I smell like Dick and happiness
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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