Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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