a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
