You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
