I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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