I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
