You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
