I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
