she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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