the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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