I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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