Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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