When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
