is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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