Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
