Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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