Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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