What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Randomize
