this beer tastes like vomit already
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
