Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
