just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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