You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
