Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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