She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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