Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
