Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I have fence marks all over my body
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
