if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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