Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
