he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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