she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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