I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize