he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize