I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
