Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
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