I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
a search helicopter?!
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
