I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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