Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
