My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
