you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
