Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
