Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Randomize
