Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Randomize
