i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
You're like the curious george of whores
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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