I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
