I cannot find my penis.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
