I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
