just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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