had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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