proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
