Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Oh god it's open bar.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
