K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
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