Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
