He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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