AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize