Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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