I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
He did a backflip because drugs
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
